Tap, tap. Is this thing on?

Pardon me while I dust off this section of the internet. It hasn't been used in a while.

7 solid months of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) talk-therapy has taught me one crucially important thing: man, do I have some issues! It seems as though every week another layer of the problem is exposed, another faulty way of thinking to address, more ways I constantly bring myself down are discovered. I think Anne of Green Gables said it best when she dramatically proclaimed that she was "in the depths of despair." The Dude pokes and prods, persists relentlessly until he finds where the scars begin. 7 months and I'm not quite sure we've even chipped the surface yet.

Needless to say, Christmas is bumming me out. I didn't bother to put up a tree this year or any other sort of decorations. I have no desire to sing "fa la la la la la la la la" or spend my nights watching the old Christmas classics I usually watch every year. I can't think about New Year's Eve without bursting into tears (due to scar tissue recently clawed at during a session with The Dude last week. I find it hard to imagine New Year's Eve ever being a happy night for me); I think I'll have a NyQuil cocktail at around 8:30 and call it a year.

I write this unashamed. Those of you that know me outside the anonymity of the internet may find this surprising, some may not. Depression is an illness like any other, not a mood and part of the reason I got to the "depths of despair" was because I didn't talk about it. Not to anyone. Now I talk to everyone, hopefully communicating the serious of this illness. Depression, anxiety, and manic episodes occupy my life at the moment as it probably will in spurts for the rest of my life. Meds help. So does The Dude. I believe if I hadn't quit my job when I did and been sent for help by my mother, I wouldn't be alive today. I praise God for this every day.

I'll quit being a Debbie Downer for the moment, if I may, and report good news. I ran a 5k on December 6th, ran every step and finished with a respectable time (though far, far from what I'm capable of). I have my 1/2 marathon training plan all worked out and scheduled to begin on February 9th for the Capital City 1/2 on May 2nd. Until I begin the training schedule, I've been running between 15-20 miles per week, about 3 or 4 of those miles with my good friend Jackie. Jackie has set a goal of running a 5k on St. Patrick's Day weekend and she's just as determined as I am as far as race goals go.

Running and good friends also help.

Melancholy

It's snowing in Ohio.

I was not good about running last week. Only got about 7 miles in. And I did not do my long run.

Mostly because I've been feeling slight melancholy again. I wouldn't say full blown depression but a persistent sense of unease and an unwillingness to leave my bed. I wonder how this can happen when I'm on all the drugs that have been working thus far. Therapy has been rough for the last month or so. Maybe that's it.

But I'm going to class. I will not allow myself to stay in bed all day and miss the classes that I love. I will not do that to myself.

Even if it is snowing in Ohio.

Where Kate proves once again the vastness of her intellect

OK, so remember a few posts ago where I mentioned how stupid I am? The blisters from my brilliant Halloween costume kept me from running for an entire week. I've been hobbling around like....something that hobbles a lot, feeling stupider and stupider as this ridiculousness plays itself out. The blisters on my toes were so big that they encompassed my entire toe. And when I (being the genius we all know I am) popped them, a thick layer of skin rose all the way around my toe. So naturally, I pulled the skin off, leaving three of my toes exposing the second layer of skin and extremely sensitive to the slightest touch. Hence no running. Today has been the first day I've put the full weight of my body on them and haven't fallen back in pain so I'm going to try an eensy weensy tiny run tonight and see how it goes.

30 before 30

For a much more eloquent description of what this is, check out my sister-friend's post about stepping out of her comfort zone. A few years ago I had a similar conversation with her when she told me about 30 things she wanted to challenge herself to do before she turned 30. I decided to steal her idea and make up a list of my own. As you can see, I've had difficulty even FINISHING the list so obviously some of these won't get done. Like #4 for example. The italicised goals are works in progress and the red goals are already completed. I might have to tack on another 5 and change it to 35 Before 35 since, um, I only have 11 10 months left. Oops.

1. Run a marathon (i.e. FINNISH a marathon)
2. Lose 50 lbs
3. Read Anna Karenina and The Brother’s Karmanov.
4. Finish knitting the scarf
5. Kiss a boy (a reciprocal kiss!)
6. Find a new job
7. Visit a state I’ve never been to before
8. Get a tattoo
9. Cut off contact with The Ex permanently
10. Take a multi-vitamin every day.
11. Publish something I’ve written
12. Revisit Edinburgh
13. Establish a circle of Christian friends
14. Take a photography class
15. Visit a country I’ve never been to before
16. Volunteer
17. Sing karaoke in front of people
18. Find a bible study to attend
19. Try seafood
20. Learn how to make one meal really well (besides desert)
21. Fix the car
22. Wear a bikini outside my living room
23. officially join the church
24. finish the 30 before 30 list
25. learn how to ride a bike using no hands
26. consistently practice yoga
27. break 25:25 in the 5k
28. Apply to 10-12 MFA programs.
29. Take a self-defense class
30. Pee in the woods.

The Week

This has been a great running week for me despite the fact that I'm putting off the long-run-that-isn't-really-long until later in the day or possibly tomorrow because of a certain holiday yesterday and a dum-dum who wore 2 inch heels that ripped her feet to shreds. I don't know what possessed me to wear these shoes and yes I realize they were only 2-inches so you can point and laugh at me all you want but I have 6 blisters the size of Kansas on each foot. Once again I prove how smart I really am.

Anywho. I'll get six miles in at some point which will put me right at 15 miles for the week. I'm pretty comfortable with that and will probably stay at that mileage for a few weeks before I start working my way up to 20 and eventually 25 before my training schedule starts for the 1/2 marathon at the beginning of May. I have little hope I can PR there after my 2:10 last year because of my layoff but I really like this race. That will make 3 years in a row! Luckily for me I am quite happy to keep running the same courses over and over and have little desire to travel more than a half hour to race. I just don't have the money or time for that sort of investment.

My friend Jackie is also continuing to run with me. This thrills me to the core. I get voicemails from her asking what time we're going to run, which route we'll take, where's the best place to get one of those watter bottle thingies with the hand strap. Not to discredit her but I never expected her to stick with it for as long as she has (about 3 weeks now) and to also enjoy it as much as she does. She's even setting small goals for herself and realizing how empowering it makes her feel. It almost brings tears to my eyes with joy.

I'm a bit sore from yoga on Friday but I'm loving every pain and ache. It means I'm getting my lard-ass into shape. Slowly but surely I'll get there.

Did my LSD yesterday and it was awesome. I was supposed to meet with the Boy Toy again but he backed out on account of too much partying the night before. Oh boy, what a surprise. He's just as reliable as he was when we were dating. Me thinks I dodged a bullet with that one. Anyway. 5 miles I did, trying to keep my pace between 11:30 and 11:40. Nice and slooooooow. And here's what happened:

Mile 1: 11:43
Mile 2: 11:35
Mile 3: 11:21
Mile 4: 11:15
Mile 5: 11:09

Hmmmmm. Interesting. I didn't feel like I was going faster at mile five than I was at mile 1 and, in fact, mile 1 seemed like I was working a helluva lot harder than mile 5. Maybe it just takes me 5 miles before I start to feel good. Quite possible.

I've been eating well and have been rewarded with a deficit of a few of the old LB's. That's always nice to see. I'd like to lose about 50 more but, yeah. One step, one day at a time.

When Dostoevsky wrote "The Idiot" he was writing about me.

Ran with the Boy Toy today. This is a new development in the never-ending saga of my romantic life. Not that there's really all that much to tell. I saw him Sunday running the marathon, or rather, we both saw each other at the exact same moment. So I texted him later in the day to congratulate him on his PR, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we're meeting for a run in the park today. I was apprehensive because:

• I was 15lbs lighter the last time I saw him
• I'd told him I was sick over the summer and that's why I hadn't been running, so naturally when he asked what I'd come down with, I blurted out "depression and anxiety" which I immediately regretted because I fear he thinks it might have had something to with him since we broke up in the middle of all that, but really it had nothing to do with him at all. Le sigh.
• And because I haven't been back to running for all that long, I still suck wind the entire time so I looked like a total douche trying to keep up with him and talk "comfortably" all while clocking 10:20 miles (again, still not fast but I'm not quite back to that level yet)
• Oh, and the whole ex-boyfriend issue.
• It didn't come up. We just talked, caught up, yadda yadda.
• and we're running together again on Saturday.
• Am I a masochist or what?

So that's my running experience for today. I had fun running with him today. I really did. However it's a bit confusing to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to just "friends." I'm doing my best not reading into it but...meh. Whatever. Boyz r dum. But hey, I got 4 miles out of it at a 10:20 pace and I didn't die so that's good, right? I don't think he even broke a sweat. Grrr.